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CONTENTS
DEDICATION............................................................................................... I
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS .............................................................................. V
1. WHY READ THIS DIVORCE BOOK? ................................................. 1
2. WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE? ........................................... 2
3. WHO AM I? ................................................................................... 4
4. WHAT ARE MY VALUES AND BIASES? ........................................... 6
BEFORE DIVORCE ...................................................................................... 8
5. TOOLS: HOW EXPERTS PREDICT WHETHER A COUPLE WILL
DIVORCE ............................................................................................... 8
The Bottom Line ............................................................................... 9
6. TIPS: SOME IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT DIVORCE ...................... 11
Most Divorces Occur In Low Conflict Couples ................................ 12
Most Unhappiness Is Temporary .................................................... 13
7. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #1 - HE’S A JERK, I WILL GET
EVERYTHING ....................................................................................... 16
8. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #2 - MY SPOUSE IS A JERK, THE
KIDS WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN ....................................... 18
9. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #3 - THE KIDS AND I WILL BE
HAPPIER, HEALTHIER, AND FINANCIALLY BETTER OFF WHEN WE GET
DIVORCED ........................................................................................... 20
10. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #4 – I WILL GET TO “TELL MY
STORY” TO THE JUDGE IN COURT, AND WHEN HE HEARS IT, HE WILL
AGREE WITH ME, AND THEN THE JUDGE WILL PUNISH MY SPOUSE . 22
11. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #5: IT WILL BE QUICK AND
CHEAP ................................................................................................. 24
12. TOOLS: BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND (WITH THANKS TO
STEVEN COVEY) .................................................................................. 26
DURING DIVORCE ................................................................................... 29
13. TIPS: INSIGHTS INTO DIVORCE LAWYERS .................................... 29
Choosing the right lawyer for you .................................................. 29
14. TIPS: DIVORCE MYTHS EXPLODED #6 - MY DIVORCE LAWYER IS
GOING TO HELP ME COPE WITH THE STRESSES AND EMOTIONAL
CHALLENGES AS WELL AS THE LEGAL PROCESS. ................................ 33
In case you didn’t know, judges used to be lawyers ...................... 34
15. TOOLS: SEVEN TOOLS TO PEAK PERFORMANCE DURING YOUR
DIVORCE ............................................................................................. 36
Introduction .................................................................................... 36
First: Have a personal vision that is not connected to the outcome
of the litigation ............................................................................... 36
Second: Understand and use the stress/performance curve ......... 36
Third: Learn coping skills that help to manage stress symptoms... 37
Fourth: Learn how to be grateful in the present ............................ 38
Fifth: Make time to play and have fun ........................................... 38
Sixth: Separate self-worth from performance ............................... 38
Seventh: Fake it till you make it ..................................................... 39
Final thought on peak performance: Every challenge is an
opportunity for transformation, even divorce ............................... 39
16. TIP: THE DIVORCE LEGAL PROCESS - A BIG PICTURE VIEW ......... 41
What happens first? ....................................................................... 41
The discovery phase of divorce litigation ....................................... 42
Mediation ....................................................................................... 45
17. TOOLS: YOUR DEPOSITION-WHAT TO DO ................................... 46
18. TOOLS: TESTIFYING IN YOUR CASE-SEVEN KEYS TO MORE
EFFECTIVE TESTIMONY ....................................................................... 49
19. TIPS: TRIALS IN DIVORCE CASES .................................................. 56
20. TOOLS: COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR SPOUSE DURING AND
AFTER THE DIVORCE ........................................................................... 58
21. TOOLS: TALKING TO THE KIDS ABOUT THE DIVORCE ................. 61
22. TOOLS: STRATEGIES FOR HELPING KIDS TO COPE WITH THE
SEPARATION FROM A PARENT ........................................................... 63
23. TIPS: THE BIGGEST EMOTIONAL RISK TO CHILDREN OF DIVORCE
IS ONGOING PARENTAL CONFLICT ..................................................... 66
24. TIPS: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IN ONGOING PARENTAL
CONFLICT: PARENTAL ALIENATION .................................................... 68
25. TIPS: THE OTHER BIG MENTAL HEALTH RISKS TO CHILDREN OF
DIVORCE: DEPRESSION AND BULLYING .............................................. 74
26. TIPS: BRAIN RESEARCH UPDATE: A NOTE ABOUT FAMILY
VIOLENCE AND CHILDREN .................................................................. 77
27. TOOLS: SOCIAL STUDIES IN CUSTODY DISPUTES ........................ 80
28. TOOLS: CHILD CUSTODY EVAUATIONS IN CUSTODY DISPUTES .. 86
What the child custody evaluator is looking for ............................. 88
29. TIPS: CHILD CUSTODY EVALUATIONS-MANAGING YOUR
EXPECTATIONS FOR THE REPORT ....................................................... 89
30. TOOLS: STRATEGIES FOR EFFECTIVE COPING DURING DIVORCE 94
Control ............................................................................................ 94
Challenge ........................................................................................ 95
31. TIPS: MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS DURING DIVORCE:
PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY--IT’S NOT PERSONAL ........... 98
32. TIPS: DATING DURING DIVORCE--BE SMART; DON’T ................ 101
33. TOOLS: LEGAL VS. EMOTIONAL DIVORCE—A TALE OF DIFFERENT
TIMELINES ......................................................................................... 104
34. TOOLS: DIVORCING AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE, NEEDY
SPOUSE (BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER--BPD) ................... 107
35. TOOLS: DIVORCING AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE, EGOTISTICAL
SPOUSE (NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER-NPD) ................... 111
AFTER DIVORCE .................................................................................... 115
36. TOOLS: CREATING A NEW VISION FOR YOUR LIFE .................... 115
37. TOOLS: DIVORCE RECOVERY PROGRAMS CAN HELP YOU
RECOVER FASTER .............................................................................. 117
38. TIPS: IF YOU HAVE KIDS, YOU AND YOUR FORMER SPOUSE ARE
STILL PARTNERS FOR LIFE ................................................................. 119
39. TIPS: CONFLICT BETWEEN DIVORCED PARENTS IS THE BEST
PREDICTOR OF EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS FOR CHILDREN OF DIVORCE122
40. TOOLS: RECOVER YOUR OWN MEMORIES OF SUCCESS; DIVORCE
IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO START OVER .............................................. 125
ABOUT THE AUTHOR ............................................................................ 128
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